A few days before my retreat started I moved into a new room. It is certainly worth some talking about because I love love love it. It is enormous, even better is the fact that I have it all to myself. Forget renunciation, it is such a luxury! I think there have been less that five nights that I have had a room to myself since leaving home, now I have a whole month ahead of me with sooo much space and privacy! No more complaints about the Reb bomb! (for those of you who aren't familiar with this, I'm referring to the phenomena where every single one of my possessions becomes strewn around the room within a couple of hours of me having entered) Paradoxically, ever since being on my own my room has been spotless.! Hmmmm that sheds some light on what the cause might be - my naughty roommates must somehow do it whilst I'm not looking.
I have two big windows which look out over the neighbouring fields. I can sometimes see the local women ploughing them and wandering around with baskets picking their produce. I have made a beautiful alter in my room with statues of Buddha, Chenrezig and Manjushree. The latter two symbolise Buddha's compassion and wisdom. In front of my alter is my meditation spot with a small cushion and blanket. The room itself is above the monasteries medicine Buddha clinic and it always smells like incense.
Each afternoon the hot summer winds from India cause thunderstorms here in Nepal. The sky gets really dark at around 4pm and the downpour begins shortly after. There have been some beautiful lightening shows which I watch from the balcony of the gompa. It is a spectacular show to see them make their way across the valley. A couple of nights ago from the safety of the dining hall I watched the monks running through the evening drenching. It made me laugh. One had a huge tarpaulin draped over him, another little one had a bucket over his head. he he.
So wow, now it is May that means there is less than a month till I'm home. I have mixed feelings about that. Obviously I am hanging out to see everyone, especially Bazzaaa! However, I can't deny that I feel a sense of panic. Perhaps panic is too strong a word, maybe uncomfortable is a better. I am a bit fearful that I will be returning to a life that I've lost all interest in. I'm worried that I will have to force myself back into the old Rebecca mold. It's not that I have changed so dramatically whilst I have been away, it's also that I didn't feel so 'at home' in my life before I left. Being away has enabled me to forget about some of that and enabled me to let go of my beliefs of who I thought I was. Particularly in the last month I have stopped identifying with certain behaviours I used to exhibit. I feel simpler, like I've returned to the basics of who I am. I don't agonise and intellectualise over my mind as much, at the same time I am more aware of its nature mind than I ever have been. Deep down, I know that when I get home I can be whoever I want to be and if I find it hard then the barriers are probably my own creation. So technically it shouldn't matter where I am. But, and this is a big but, I don't quite trust the strength of this more relaxed and gentle Rebecca. Certain environments I will find myself in will make old habits resurface and then make them harder to break. Life back home gets so full of distractions and superficial details. Most worrying though is that I will not be exposed to the Dharma anywhere near as much.
Anyway, time will tell. No point stressing yet. Back to the present. Retreat is going okay although it got off to a shaky start. My achievement oriented mind saw that I burnt out within a few days of working way too hard. I have restructured my timetable now that and am being much kinder to myself, it seems to be going okay but it is very hard to be disciplined without group support. I've escaped into town a couple of times to hang out with people, a nice break although returning after the gates have been locked for the night has occurred on more than one occasion and is a little embarrassing. A friend of mine from Holland, Marius, surprised me by coming and visiting me here at the monastery today. I just walked into the dinning hall today and there he was! A very pleasant surprise because it is getting quite lonely now that all my Dharma buddies have headed off in different directions. I especially miss Nicole, an Australian with whom I got along really well. I think she was some kind of angel in disguise, always knowing what to say and coming out with some of the best one-liners I've heard since Mum left! Ah what a funny girl. Having said all that the next 10 day course has started here now so there are new friends to be made although I should be keeping to myself a bit more than I am. I have been talking to a very beautiful South African woman who was Tenzin Palmo's secretary last year. Pretty cool. She has some interesting stories to tell and I'm always happy to see her around.
So there is not much else to report. Hopefully I can keep working away here, in the somewhat slack way I have been. I can't deny that I'm getting restless - sometimes I find myself meditating on doing a runner back out into Nepal in order to get a social fix and do some sightseeing. I've gotten close to a Dutch girl who lives in Patan and has offered me her spare room for a few nights... maybe that can be a break if I get to itchy.
All my love xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxxo
